A wise man once said, “To alcohol! The cause of…and solution to…all of life’s problems.” Actually, I’m pretty sure that was Homer Simpson, but it doesn’t make it any less true. It’s race week ladies and gentlemen, so without a doubt we can all relate to the different types of drinkers we’ve collected for you today. The world is filled with different kinds of people, most of them ridiculous, and so it should come as no surprise that there are many, many different kinds of drunks. And since drunks tend to be exaggerated versions of themselves, this naturally means that most drunks end up being very, very ridiculous. It’s basic math. And so to help you navigate this world of the sloppy and the absurd we bring you this helpful guide of types of drinkers. Love ’em or hate ’em, we’ve seen them all or maybe even been them, so props to the drinkers, in some inebriated way, you have impacted our Friday nights.
The Destructive Drinker: Because of you, we don’t feel the need to ask Mark Ruffalo for his autograph; we’ve got my own personal Bruce Banner. Such a gentle giant when sober, but get a few PBRs in ya and nothing is safe. The TV, the couch, even the walls…well, at least we’ll get a good YouTube video out of it. “HULK SMASH!”
The Wanderer: Props to the friend who constantly leaves you high and dry at the bar. Not all those who wander are lost…but this person definitely is. Because of you, we have learned to be responsible for other human beings! If my child has a monkey backpack leash, I’ll make sure she sends you a thank you basket.
The Double Fister: You plan ahead because sometimes one just isn’t enough. Long bar line? Don’t worry I’ll just get two. Either that or you’re just really thirsty. You’re the tank at the party always reminding us double fisting isn’t always about play catch up, it’s a way of life.
The Elevated Surface Drinker: Props to the friend who would dance on top of the Eiffel Tower if possible. Because of you, we are no longer scared of heights and the boys are left content.
The Munchies Drinker: Props to the friends who never cease to amaze us by devouring a whole hot box extra large pizza…breadsticks, cheese & ranch included. Because of you, our hangovers the next day are a little more bearable.
Its 5 O’Clock Somewhere Drinker: Props to you for taking Jimmy Buffet so seriously. Technically, yes…it’s always 5 o’clock somewhere.
The Online Shopper Drinker: Props to the friends who drops $200 on a shirt, solely because your drunk goggles perceive it to be in style. Because of you, we know shopping drunk is like that last shot of fireball: seems like a good idea at the time, but leaves your wallet drier than your mouth the next day.
The One-Two-Three Floor Drinker: Props to all your face plants and “drop-it-lows” gone badly. Because of you, we have stronger triceps and can skip leg day from carrying your ass home everyday.
The High Heels Drinker: Props to your stilettoes/emergency wine openers. Because of you, we know those Nordstrom Rack heels taller than they are wide, are a liability.
The “Put it on my tab” Drinker: Props to your bank account. Because of you, we have some cash leftover the next day to buy a huge breakfast burrito: our only savior.
The Party Animal Drinker: Props to your dedication. Because of you, we’ve learned one of life’s most important lessons: One Speed. Full Speed. Somehow, that one glass of wine…always turns into a bottle and then another, which ends at a dance club on a Wednesday night. Going up on a Tuesday? Going up on a Wednesday? It’s all the same.
The Dancing Drinker: Props to you for dancing like nobody’s watching, even though everyone clearly is. In an uber? In the bathroom? A Restaurant? A Bar?…doesn’t matter. The world is your dance floor. Because of you, I learned another important lesson in life: It doesn’t matter what other people think. At least you believe in me.
The Go Getter: You’re the drinker who hears an outrageous idea like climbing a water tower, pranking your neighbor or shaving your head and immediately shouts, “LET’S DO IT!” You bring the crazy to our crazy drunken nights.
The Go Hard & Go Home Drinker: You’re ready to party at 5pm. You love happy hours and you love to go as hard as the rest of them. But come 10PM? It’s time for bed and you’ll leave all the action just to get to it. Props to you for cutting us off and promoting drunken responsibility, but mainly, props to you for helping us sleep through those hangovers and be good to go again at 9AM.
You found you in this post didn’t you? If not, you probably found five of your closest friends… Props to you party animals, you provide nights of cheap entertainment and mornings that hurt quite a bit more, but we wouldn’t trade you for the world.