Since the arrival of Homo Sapiens on Pangaea, we have been evolving to the modern-day Man. Bodily features that were not necessary for survival gradually evolved out of existence through Natural Selection as Man ascended to the top of the food chain. Over time, we watched as members of our species learned that walking on two legs freed up our appendages for so many other activities. But how are human beings evolving today? As we sit and ponder the next evolutionary transition for the human race, we can’t help but wonder if members of our species are already demonstrating a superior genetic structure. I think I have identified an evolutionary trait that currently blesses half of all men, and I don’t mean to make the other half feel inferior… that trait is male pattern baldness.
Evidence of the progression of man is evident in the glistening perfection of the exposed mid-frontal area of the cranium. The obsolete follicle disappearance, or what others might refer to as “balding” or a “receding of hairline,” has been criticized by the mainstream media. Bob Dylan said “The times, they are a changin’.” That means media is becoming fragmented, and mankind is evolving to a more sleek, hairless, aerodynamic form. Mainstream media is run by bitter men with full heads of hair, or “Blanket Toppers”, who want to resist change by creating fake products like Rogaine and Bosley. Well, I am sick of it, and I think it’s time for shift of paradigms. Why is male pattern baldness becoming more prevalent? Because maybe we don’t need all that fur up top. I mean, our close relatives in the primate community are covered in fur, and which side of the glass are they on at the zoo?
Through my professional research I have jumped to the conclusion that this is humankind taking a giant leap in evolution, and bringing in the next age of man. I am not just talking about the hair loss that blesses the Chosen, freed from their follicle prisons as if Moses again parted the Red Sea on top of their domes. I am also talking about those who are forever capitalizing on the Notre Dame Cathedral (looking at you Zadine).
Some might say WTF is this kid talking about… well, lets that a look at these shining examples that are paving the way. Of the top 50 scientist ranked by thebestschools.org, 7 of the top 10 are losing there hair. Hair that is holding our back genuis. The 3 great basketball players of the last 40 years are also rocking the bald: that would be Kobe, MJ and Lebron. We are still waiting on Lebron to bring it home, but maybe if he did he would have a couple more rings on his fingers? Stop and think there is reason why monks go bald; its because they have reached that next level of understanding and physical peak.
So if your mom’s father has a head like a cue ball or maybe a reverse landing strip, give him your sincerest props and shake that man’s hand. Not only did he make it possible for you to exist, he gave you a special gift that will increase your chances of survival in this dog eat dog world.
Props to the balding, bald, and future bald men in this world. Let’s put the human race on our backs.
If you have a favorite balding man in your life, what better way to show him some love than downloading the CyberProps app and giving him some props!